“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”
-Georgia O’Keefe
Sitting over eggs and sticky pancakes in Montauk this past May I had a question to ask my friends. I had been accepted to Courtney Maum’s dreamy looking writing retreat, Turning Points, and I desperately wanted to go. My husband had brought me Courtney’s memoir, The Year of the Horses, from the library a few years prior and we both loved it so much that we signed our daughter up for horseback riding lessons, which she still does today. When Courtney announced that she was accepting applications for her retreat, my husband encouraged me to apply. My first thought was that I didn’t have a chance, but as soon as he suggested it, a familiar fire lit up in my belly and I knew I would apply as soon as I could get my hands on a computer.
From the moment I submitted the application I knew I wanted to go on this retreat. Courtney is an incredible writer and teacher with a specialty in publishing, having written a guide to the murky process in her wonderful book Before and After the Book Deal. People would ask me what I planned to workshop at this retreat, and I wasn’t sure, but I knew with the deepest certainty that I hoped to be accepted and that if I was, I wanted to go.
There was one problem, which was that I was afraid. What I was specifically afraid of was that I would panic about being two hours away from Albuquerque without a car, and with a minimally paved road and a long stretch of miles with no cell service between the ranch where we would be staying and the nearest airport. Courtney does an amazing job of preparing everyone for the remoteness of the ranch, encouraging everyone to sign up for a service called Phicares that will medivac you in a helicopter in the case of an emergency. I have been known to have a touch of claustrophobia, and I was worried that the same feeling would creep up on me if I felt stuck on the ranch (spoiler alert: I didn’t - this ended up being the most relaxing and least-panicky vacation of my life).
At the greasy spoon diner in Montauk I told my friends I was afraid. Lucky for me, they each came up with their own way to help me cope with the fear. “Rent a car of your own,” one said. “Write about it,” said another. “Think about this as a chance to deal with some of your fears you otherwise wouldn’t face,” said the therapist. And lastly - “if you don’t go you’ll be carrying on a pattern of not doing things because of anxiety.” Yikes - I didn’t want to do that. Another friend back home told me about sky-diving, explaining that once you were on the plane, you were going to jump - no one turns back from that point, no matter how scared they are. Their words shepherded me across the final steps of buying my plane ticket and coming up with an 8 night child-care plan. Massive thanks to all of you who made this possible for me, both with your encouraging words and your very practical hands-on caring for of my children. I hope you know how grateful I am.
Describing this retreat feels nearly impossible to me, the sky on the ranch being unlike any I had ever seen before, and the company, both human and animal, was beautiful beyond belief. What follows is a list of what I would have missed out on had I let the fear grip me and keep from landing in room 6 of the Monte Prieto ranch, where I woke up every morning to the sky turning from black to turquoise, and cattle lazily roaming by my window. Here goes.
20 things I would never have gotten to do had I listened to my fear and foregone this experience:
Read an essay out loud to a group of women (and one man) about how trying on clothes in an open dressing room at a secret store in Philadelphia helped me fall back in my love with my body after mastectomy.
Ride up a dirt road in the back of a pick-up truck to munch on chips and drink tequila next to a bunch of horses also having a drink.
Take a walk through a massive field of dirt and grass to eventually meet a group of horses coming our way to mingle with us.
Lose my breath in a cold plunge with coy in it and a horizon that stretched on forever.
See a cowgirl herd cattle on a motorcyle with a dog perched on it in front of her.
Witness Chef Daniel Garcia, his partner, mixologist Melanie Sutherland-Avgerakis, and pastry chef Violet of Bloom and Flour Bakery meticulously prepare meals, drinks and desserts for us using sustainable ingredients. Their commitment to local food and the deliciousness of every single bite blew me away.
See how a dog runs when his backyard is 70,000 acres.
Feel my heart rate slow as a horse who initially considered me a stranger started to consider me a friend.
See these tiles under my feet every morning when I stepped outside my room to watch the sunrise.
Watch Karli Petrovic read tarot cards with a mesmerizing combination of story-telling, intuition, and compassion.
Sleep for 8 nights in a row without being woken up by a child.
See a group of women accept the gift of being served three meals a day.
Learn how it feels to accept help from my husband, family, friends, and neighbors in order to make this trip possible.
Feel my eyes well up as I watched the beauty of a dark shot of espresso being poured into a bright white ice cold horchata at a taco truck in Albuquerque.
See one of my favorite books, The Year of the Horses, come to life when Courtney hopped onto a horse in the field we were walking through.
Watch The Rider with an actual professor who is teaching the movie to her students at Santa Clara University, not to mention that we watched it on a mind-blowingly comfortable leather couch while eating a gourmet “TV dinner” prepared by a renowned chef.
Experience the lovely tradition of well-wishing - before our final dinner we each prepared a note for someone else in the group with a well wish for them in the form of a lyric, a poem, a drawing, and in one case, origami.
Brainstorm what sort of book I might write one day in a safe space guided by Courtney, a master of taking an idea and turning it into something that feels like it might actually sit in a reader’s hands one day.
Take long strolls into the hills with new friends, women who were easy to talk to and encouraging, all there to learn from each other and cheer each other on. Please go read about all of these writers in Courtney’s post about the retreat.
Join a group of Turning Points alums who meet regularly and support each other in their endeavors - the “Pointer Sisters” as ‘23 alum Nora Geiss recently called the group. This is the first writing community I’ve been a part of and I can’t imagine one better suited to long walks, talks, accountability texts, and writing sessions over zoom.
Thank you for this beautiful and life-changing experience, Courtney - you have sent us home with so many gifts. It has been a year since I started this Substack and going on this retreat felt like the perfect way to celebrate that. Thank you all for sticking with me! It has brought me so much joy and connection, and it’s all because you keep showing up.
🍓“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. ” 🍓
Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World
Pointer Sisters, unite! I'll never, ever forget the way it felt to hear you share your essay out loud. How it went from easy listening and charming and then - GUT PUNCH- just hit us with the all of life and grief and beauty. Absolutely amazing.
This is a beautiful summary of a beautiful week! I am so glad to have met you and the whole group. I can't wait to see what direction your project takes! ❤️